Along the Way

wondering

wondering...

 

as we watch

untold suffering

 

massive destruction

threatens closer and closer to homes

thought to be safe harbors...

 

helpless to change a thing

 

reaching out with

the only thing we can give~

a loving heart

 

wondering

if there is a softening made possible

 

i don't know

 

looking for something i suppose...

thinking about power

Power.  I've been thinking about power and the source of power.  Thinking about intuition and power and how they are connected, inextricably connected. Thinking about intuition and power and surrender, seeing connections on some level, knowing they are hard to verbalize ... but certain these are three keys to the same door. 

Recently I have been living with a situation that has stirred many emotions in me... not the least of which were fear and anxiety.  I have learned that there is such a thing as a careful mistake, too. We've all heard of careless mistakes, and those are easy to laugh at, judge, and chastise. But, what about those careful mistakes which could have dire consequences...?  Those mistakes that we make after careful thought and consideration, but turn out to be pretty bad ideas in retrospect?  It's not so easy to laugh them off. It's not as easy to judge harshly (tho it is, simultaneously, very easy to punish myself unfairly).  It's not so easy to chastise (tho it is very easy to cast blame).  What I learned is that, even with a careful mistake, that there is great power in staying open to the entire situation... staying open to the fear and the other emotions that arise is what lead me out of what could have been a really bad situation. We don't have the ability for that "retrospective perspective" before we step. Sometimes we just have to step, doing the best we can with what we know, but always wanting to know more.  In my situation I felt great unease... fear, anxiety, worry.  I didn't like these feelings, and they were relentless.  They motivated me, however, to seek out new ways of doing what I had to do.  These feelings were telling me "something is not quite right here... keep looking".  Staying open to the fear, and seeking better advice, better answers, and being willing to put my ego aside so that my conscious self could navigate some very tricky waters, has proven to be very powerful AND has lead me to the conclusion that THESE VERY UNCOMFORTABLE feelings, this groundlessness, this mucking around until I got it right, were all the voices of my higher self... my source... my Goddess... my power.  I realized that I have much more power than I knew, even in the face of very careful mistakes.  I realize that listening to myself brought me to what I need. I realize that I have power. How much power? All the power I need.  I also realize that I have been reluctant to surrender to my own power because of a deep lack of trust in it... a deep seated fear that my power will lead me places where I don't want to go and cannot get out of. I worry that my power will get me INTO trouble, not seeing that it is that very same power that gets me OUT of trouble every time.  I realize, finally with more certainty, that my power is boundless and there is no where that it can lead me that is not where I need to be in order to bring light, adding to the slowly emerging enlightenment of mankind.  I am ... we are ... power in human form.  I am .... we are .... our source and our vessel at the same time.  I am ... we are ... a vessel without borders really, a container for that which does not need to be contained.  Can I surrender to what I know?  That remains to be seen. 

mandala road

 

straight paths

from the center

each held

by the spacious whole

each leads back

to the spacious whole

each

equally worthy...

it is the traveller

who determines

the quality of the journey

 

(for bb, fellow traveller)

 

Notes on mandala road, 4/14/11:

In retrospect I have been thinking about this poem, thinking about its truth, and thinking about my own ease with being satisfied ... virtually non existent at times.  I've been wondering if it was fraudulent in some way to publish a poem that makes such powerful claims... claims that I, myself struggle with on a daily basis.   Someone told me recently that things were pretty much a straight line when it came to deciding what to do next in life and I was blown away by that... a straight line?  I cannot remember ever feeling like things were so clear cut and certain. I started thinking of the spokes on a wheel... this image of a bicycle wheel kept flashing in my mind's eye.  This led me to the conclusion that all paths are a straight line, and it's the waivering and self doubt that twists things up so badly for me.  That's where madala road came from... from knowing that it's up to me.  One would imagine this feels wonderful and powerful to finally realize that one's happiness is in one's hands, but somehow, for me, it doesn't feel that way.  BUT, it is perhaps a gentle reminder that, when I am ready, I can let go of the self doubt and just walk my path with confidence.

More Notes: 4/16/11

Thinking that it's not so simple as one straight line, unless of  course we only have ONE issue facing us at a time, and who lives that sort of life? We all have so many things going on simultaneously. I need to remember this with compassion for my own struggles.  Maybe, in doing so, I can forgive myself for the fact that sometimes I walk crookedly on a straight path, sometimes I abondon one path for another, sometimes I hold my ground against incredible odds, and sometimes I just walk easy schmeasy withoug worry.  All valid approaches.  All acceptable.  So what's the big deal?  Okay, so I'm not really sure... what IS the big deal?  Maybe I don't need to know. 

When I was a child one of my favorite all time songs was "The Crooked Little Man".  Maybe it's time to let the rain fall where it may... maybe it's time to be okay with crooked....

 

While I'm at it and before I forget, rounding off the top three in my childhood hit parade were "Don't Fence Me In" and "You Are My Sunshine". Interesting collection of favs. 

kaleidoscope

 

everything...

part of something bigger

every atom

every molecule

every cell

every organism

every body

every event

every celebration

every catastrophe

 

every thing

builds the

kaleidoscope

everyone

rides together

 

what i co-create in me

touches everything...

everything smaller...

everything bigger...

every thing

secret seed

~

much as a seed

waits deep in the earth

the time to reveal its splendor

so sits a kernel

shielded from all light

quivering

throbbing

silently

nagging

until prodded

until poked

until violently breached

by the breath

of the intruder

~

~

so tender

so sore

recoiling

it acts

on its own volition

thrashing

striking

burrowing deeper

~

this seed

this secret seed

begs to be found

begs to die

begs to bloom

as it hardens

to itself

underground

color of strength

if strength had a color

what would it be?

blue like a river?

green like a tree?

clear as the tears

leaving tracks on a face?

if strength had a color

would i bear a trace?

 

 

a perfect namaste christmas

a perfect
namaste christmas
at saint anthony's children's mass...

humanity piling into seats
shoulders touching shoulders
jeans and tee shirts,
sparkling ribbons,
velvet dresses,
hand me down hats and coats,
designer garb....
young and old,
and in between...
the rainbow present and accounted for...

shepherds cloaked in bedsheets, tiny and tall
angels dotting the alter
three robed wise men crowned with paper and tinsel garland
and the blessed trio, bathed in light...

the soprano hit the impossible high note of Oh Holy Night
melting this heart into a river of tears...
streaks upon cheeks proclaim
that nothing will ever be the same
again...

namaste indeed...

 

Last year 2009:  Namaste in Christmas, and How to Give a Gift....

suddenly safe

same face in the mirror?
same feet in those shoes?
same voice in the shower?
same two eyes of blue?

yet, everything's different
looking out through these eyes
everythings different,
then i realize...

i'm suddenly safe.
always have been i suppose
(never felt it tho....)

suddenly safe.
part of the steady stream
(is this a dream?)

suddenly safe. 

balancing the mind

I never really thought about this, but I am a Libra, and one of my biggest challenges in life seems to be finding a balance internally.  Maybe that's how it is for everyone, no matter the sign, but I found it interesting is all.

My son, just turned 18, has informed me that he wants to go to California after High School and break into the music business.  My first reaction was to support him, encourage him, and ask him if he had a plan.  To my surprise, he sort of DID have a plan. Not as well hatched as I would, but then I have 32 years on him so it's actually pretty amazing that he has a plan at all.  He wants to get a job now, work and save, and save, and save.  When he has enough money to support himself for a time while he looks for work, he wants to head off to CA... with his band, BABYLON.  The thing is, these kids are amazing and actually could be that one special band that makes it... it could happen... who am I to say it won't?  Problem is, after I had a few days to think about it I became very afraid... very worried about my son... very unsure of his future... in a word, unbalanced.  I had jumped from the present moment of joy for him, and pride at his courage and moxy  straight into the unknowns of the future and all that holds (of course, I began to only think of the bad things that could happen... the things that could go wrong... not the things that could go right).

I learned something about myself today.  I learned that my first reaction is often the right one... the most balanced. The most clear. The most "present".  On that day, when my son brought his plans to me, I was WITH him in it. I was THERE with him in this big moment of new beginnings. When I had time to think about my reaction, and hear what another parent (one of the band members who was dead set against the whole idea) I began to doubt my own reaction. I began to worry about the future in a way that can only crush dreams and destroy adventure.  Not only that, but I jumped right into my story, in which a brother of mine disappeared not much older than 18 and was not seen again for several years.  It was torture for me. I thought he was dead, but I couldn't SAY I thought he was dead because everyone else just pretendend nothing was wrong at all.  I was alone in that fear.  So, there's that. (He wasn't dead by the way, but that's a whole other story). 

Living in the past and the future and the present at the same time is a recipe for disaster... something has to get dropped. No one can live in all three places for more than a few moments, so I found myself struggling with the future worry and figured I could use this time to prevent anything resembling my brother's tragic story from happening to my son. 

What I learned today is that my first instinct, to love and support and encourage the dreams of this wonderful, talented, very smart young man my husband and I have raised, was wonderful. It was dead on. It was my gift to him.  Now I have to figure out how to wash away the tinge of mud I seem to have slung all over it with my future worry and doubt.  I'm not sure if the whole band will even go, but I'm pretty sure HE will.  And even if he doesn't, we need to respect his dream and not get in his way.  I can't help him much financially, but I can be his cheerleader.  I can ask him what I can do to help him.  And I can ask the power of the universe to hold him close, and help him on his path.  Outside of that, to do anything that reflects future worry or past trauma would only create negative energy around him.  He is an adult now. Wow.  My child is a man, and a fine one at that. 

spiral energy

energy rising
opening
this path crosses
above itself

energy rising
remembers
shades of closedness
below

energy rising
widening
to what has
always been

energy
ever rising
ever opening
ever remembering
ever widening

spiral energy endlessly opening